Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Ahhhhhhhhh Too Much work.....

Look at my desk! It is crazy how much work i have! I feel like it's the never ending work load and today as i was handed more i wanted to cry!
Broke my shoe this morning in the parking lot of work and had to drive all the way back home to get a new pair of shoes! So i didn't even make it to work till near 11:30! Guess what that means?? I will probably be here till 7pm tonight and even staying that late is not gonna get me near caught up on my work. I didn't get to eat lunch till 2pm and by the time i looked at the clock it was 4pm and it was time for me to cover the switchboard (which i do till 5:30) Blah! Please let me get through the rest of this week without going crazy! I just want to be home with my husband!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Why I dont leave the house without Josh...

Not too many people know this about me, it's something I have noticed about myself and that both my Dad and Josh know as well........ I don’t ever leave the house without Josh unless I am going to or from work or tanning on Saturday morning. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. I am scared to death of going out in public alone because EVERY TIME I do I feel I get harassed by someone. I think I'm scared of men that i don't know. I feel like they are just too aggressive and it scares me to the point where I never want to leave the house and be out in public alone. Every now and then I'll stop at the store on my lunch or my way home from work and kid you not EVERY single time I get harassed by some guy (and not to sound like a Brat but I don’t like men talking to me) …It is so uncomfortable when you hate that kind of attention. I HATE attention and that is one thing Josh and I are completely opposite about…He loves attention, he is loud and will goof off in front of anyone. I on the other hand try to avoid attention by all means.I just think it is so ridiculous that I can’t go somewhere without some pervert trying to talk to me and maybe they aren't perverts but I feel much violated when I am approached. A lot of how I feel I'm sure has to do with how in love I am with Josh. I just feel like all men should know better than to try and talk to me. But really, is it normal to feel… ugh how can I put it…scared of the world??? Every time I get enough courage to make a grocery stop or local liquor store stop on my own, my point is proved once again and once again I’m scared to leave the house. Last weekend I stopped at Albertsons after tanning only to have some weirdo that works there try and talk to me and offer to walk me to my car. Every time i do go there alone he talks to me and sometimes even follows me around to make conversation while I'm shopping. But when Josh is there he wont even look at me....That guy is the reason i avoid the store alone! A few nights ago Josh tells me Sean is coming over with some steaks to BBQ. So i said "ok I'm going to stop by the liquor store and pick up stuff to make dirty martinis" i was already sketchy on stopping there alone and Josh knew it and said "if you want, come pick me up and ll go with you" But it was on the way home and i didn't want to bother him with my stupid worries. So i get to the store and immediately without being able to shop on my own someone comes up to me and shows me everything I'm looking for (that was nice of him and i actually didn't feel harassed). That didn't last long. I leave the store and walk up to my car only to have some guy trying to flag me down in the parking lot (ohhhhhhhhhhh here we go) I hurry, close the door, start the car and start backing out...He comes all the way up to my window sticks his phone up to the window asking for my number! how rude!!!! I show him my ring and shake my head at him and he put his phone away and walks away....i proceed to pull away and as I'm getting ready to turn onto the main street another guy is flagging me down! Are you serious?!? Is this a joke? This is why i don't go anywhere alone and why does this happen to me every time! Josh says I'm too nice and i need to be more of a B**** when I'm approached....I just feel like men should have more respect for women. I'm not wearing anything to flaunt myself, i try my hardest not to make eye contact with anyone either so why bug me! I was never like this before, i don't know why I'm so scared of men now...Maybe it's from all the Americas Most Wanted and Cops i watch or maybe it's because I'm so head over heels ln love with my husband i don't want any attention from anyone but him....I just wish i could get over it and not be so scared to go places alone. But the truth is i don't think ill ever get over it! Ill continue to stay home and clean on Saturdays and not move that hummer until josh comes walking through that door and ill continue driving to work and straight home every night and stay home until josh is there to drive me where i need to go....I'm just lucky he doesn't mind and that my fears make him feel like he is my protector by all means.....Maybe just maybe one day ill ummm GROW some BALLS i guess....

Buddy Boy

This morning while running on the treadmill, the dogs were running around chasing one another, Aussie was screaming and all i could think was man i love this life of mine. Last night while BBQing in the back Josh and I were talking about the day we brought Buddy home. Our family was more then enough before him and we did not plan on getting another dog any time near soon! Heck, we had not even brought Aussie home yet, we had another month or so before we could even bring her home when buddy came along. I had a Golden and Lab growing up and always wanted my own when they both passed away. I got Kota (our lab) 4 years ago, she was the first dog i bought and paid for everything all on my own and my dad was nice enough to let me have her at his house being i was still living there at the time. Kota was no cheap dog. I paid a lot for her and she has been my spoiled little girl since the day i brought her home. I remember picking her up and driving her home the day i bought her and on the way she peed all over me! I had to drive all the way home soaking wet!!! Gross! LOL When Josh and i got together i had Sierra, Kota and Tinker already. We bought Aussie after our honeymoon in Australia and could not bring her home for 3 or 4 months! I remember visiting her every Sunday till we could bring her home she was gonna be our first animal together and we could not wait to get her home. Josh knew i wanted a Golden for quiet some time but our house was already so hard to clean everyday it wasn't even an option to get another dog. Josh's best buddy Sean came over one day and was talking about moving into our back room because he didn't have anywhere to stay at the time. I told him if he moved in our back room he could get a dog and keep it back there with him and mentioned he should get a golden so i could have my golden fix : ) He thought it was a great idea so immediately i google Golden's for sale nearby. We find a few places selling them and the stop at the nearest place. We walk in and there are two Golden's left! They were the cutest little things!!!!!!! I picked one up (buddy) and he just went limp he was such a little cuddle bug!! Sean was all excited about getting the puppy and then Josh looked at me and said "i have to you get him, look at you" "sean i think i have to buy her this dog, she has wanted one forever and i cant say no"............I was sooooooo excited, i did not think Josh would say i could get him and i didn't even have to ask him he just knew!!! We paid for everything and drove home. On the way home we decided to name him Buddy because Josh kept petting him saying "hi buddy"so Buddy it was!!!
We pulled up to the house and decided to introduce him to our animal crew in the front yard. Our dogs were not having him at all. As the night went on i noticed Kota and Sierra distancing themselves from us. They wouldn't come outside while we were BBQing, they wouldn't go in any room Buddy was in and at night they wouldn't even sleep in bed with us : ( I didn't sleep that whole night. I was so worried my other 2 dogs were so mad at me. The next morning (Monday) i got ready and Josh took me to work. Before leaving i said by to the dogs and Buddy was hiding under the bed and Kota and Sierra didn't even walk me to the door like they normally do when i leave. I was so hurt that they were hurt! I got to work and cried non-stop for about an hour. I called Josh and said "take that puppy back, kota and poopoo hate me now and this is not fair to them" I was crying like someone just died and pretty soon everyone at work was coming up to me asking what was wrong. I felt like such a baby to say im crying about my dogs! Josh called the place we got buddy from and no one answered or returned our call the whole day. He was seriously gonna take him back for me but no one would pick up his calls. That night i got home and Josh calmed me down a lot. He showed me pictures of what buddy did all day long and even showed me that Kota was playing him....I changed my mind and we decided to keep him.......I look at our life now and cannot see it without Buddy! Buddy was the perfect balance to our house and he makes Sierra feel young again and makes Kota feel important because he looks up to her so much! And he makes Aussie laugh because he is always in trouble and Tinker stay young because he is always chasing her....and he makes Josh and I feel like we have given him the best life a dog can have!!! I don't think Buddy knew what was in store for him the day we picked him up! He did not realize he was about to live a wonderful life full of sooo much love and a life in which he is included in EVERYTHING his parents do....And i don't think i realized how much he would benefit our household : ) Everything happens for a reason and i love my animals soooooooooo much!!!!!

Saturday, September 26, 2009


Having a baby is something Josh and I have talked about many times. My mind has changed so many times on wanting or not wanting to have kids. I love my time with Josh and I love that we can just take our animals and do whatever we want with nothing holding us back. Right now i cant imagine sharing my time with anyone other then my husband and that's how i know we are not near ready to have kids. Not to mention the thought of my animals being put on the back burner when they have been my kids for the last few years makes me sad to think about!
When we got married and bought our home we decided that 5 years after we got married would be perfect. In 5 years our house payment will have dropped. The hummer will be paid off. The couple credit cards we have will be long paid off and we ourselves will be more stable. We will be near 3o with not much debt outside of owning a home and will by then possibly be able to buy another home in Oregon (next to Dad) to raise a family in and rent this one out. We wont have to work as much and i can be home to raise the little one because i dont want anyone else raising our baby. When we decide to have a baby i want to be able to give he/she everything i can out of life, I want to be 100% ready and i want to start a family somewhere that feels much more safe. That is what we have planned thus far....We have always stuck with our goals and plans so i know we can do it...However Josh brought up something the other night that really got me thinking...
For those of you who are Christian and who follow the lord, go to church and keep up with this crazy world and everything that is taking place then you will know what im talking about....Every pastor we listen to and the more i read and learn the bible and hear about the events taking place in this world right now the more both Josh and i Start realizing the Lord is coming soon....Soon as in maybe Josh and I will never have kids and if we dont then i know its ok because this was God's plan, but at the same time it is kind of scary to think about......And do i really want to bring a child into this crazy dangerous world we are living in right now?? When i think about it the answer is NO, society is so different now, life is different now, morals are different now..everything is changing and from going to church and reading the bible and listening to the pastors on 107.9 this world is only going to get worse. I want to continue to grow with the Lord with Josh leading the way and i pray that everyone in my life gets to know him and gets close with him too...I want to see all my loved one's in heaven and i dont want to see anyone LEFT BEHIND...i dont at all mean to sound like im preaching, but please read about the Rapture if you have time and get close with the lord as no one knows how soon he is coming but we know it is soon enough.....7 years of tribulations is when the biggest events ever will take place on's still not too late to submit yourself to the lord....and once again im left with the thought of "will josh and i ever have kids"......

Thursday, September 24, 2009

A little stressed...

I hate feeling overwhelmed. I have always said that i would take work lightly and never become one of those people who stresses about work or works too much. My time with josh and at home with the animals means more to me then money. Money cant buy the love Josh and I have, nor can it buy the time i cherish we have together. Lately work feels as if it has taken over my life. I work my butt off when im there without much time to spare to talk to anyone or take a lunch. It seems like just when i have my work under control and all caught up i get more responsibility thrown at me. Don't get me wrong, i am very grateful for my job and for the people i work with who help make things easier everyday but i am only one person and i can only do so much. I am learning so much right now with my new job. I Love what i do and i take pride in my work! Yesterday my office manage and I went into Boss man's office to have a talk about how overwhelmed I'm feeling with all that's on my plate only to be told "i don't see why you cant handle it, there should not be a problem" ummm that does not help! He was not even willing to work with me about my work overload until the tears started coming...then he said " don't worry, this work overload is not permanent will get someone to help you out and stop worrying about your work production, your doing a great job and you stop trying to rush learning everything so fast your gonna be here for many more years and you will learn as you go....Sounds nice right? Ya well he was saying everything in what seemed meanly : ( My feelings were just already hurt from what he had said earlier on and the tears just would not stop. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful office manager who supports and helps me as much as she can...she always has my back and always understands how I'm feeling.....Work seems crazy right now but i know it will all settle down over some time. I just need to have patience and realize I'm not the only person who is stressed here right now. As long as work does not interfere with my life at home then i know everything will be ok and i can do this! Last night, after venting to Josh this horrible head ache started and then a migraine...ohhh migraine's i sure don't miss you (ya i use to get them all time)!!!! Thanks for not letting me sleep last night : P Today is and will be a much better day!


I rushed home from work last night to pick Josh up from our house for Bingo. Got home right at 6pm and we needed to be in San Pedro by 6:30. I was starving but knew we wouldn't have time to stop and pick up food so i text Josh with "can you grab me a string cheese, I'm starving" He comes out of the house with two drinks and dinner he made him self! He had made dinner right when he got home from work cause he knew i'd be starving and he wanted to surprise me. Fresh whole wheat bagels with pizza sauce cheese and turkey pepperoni and he even made it spicy (just how i like it)! Man, my husband thinks of me ALL the time and i don't even expect any of the wonderful things he does for me ALL the time. I am so so so incredibly lucky! We ate in the car and had a conversation about how Josh has all the luck and i only have luck when im with him! I told him if he won tonight then i wasn't gonna play anymore i was just gonna watch him play cause he ALWAYS WINS! We made it to bingo exactly on time. We literally sat down when they called the first number and i won the first game within 5 minutes...$100 cash! WTH?? I never win anything and here i was giving josh a hard time about wining last time. Last week i went without Josh because he was working late and i didn't win a thing...I'm telling you i never get lucky unless josh is there with me! A few more games later Josh wins $250! We were all stoked on how much he had won and did not think we would even stand a chance to win again....We buy a few pool tabs and it's $500 if you win....All my numbers were called and i was so excited i said "BINGO" before i was suppose to! haha.....$500 cash all counted out in front of me!!! Holy cow!! I'm telling you, when Josh and I are together we have the most amazing LUCK! Which brings me back to when we bought our house, planned our wedding, got engaged, all our vacation planning and buying our dream car etc...everything has always just fallen in place for us at the right time.......I feel like the Lord is always taking care of us together as one in the best way he can....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Grandpa and Grandpa i miss you...

Last night I called my Dad to ask him if he would go to church with Josh on Sunday since I won't be able to go due to the walk I'm doing with my mother-in-law. Also to ask him if he wanted the extra set of VIP tickets we got to Knott's scary farm (Yes out of everyone and every friend in the world I could have given those tickets to I chose my dad, he is so much fun and there is no one I could think of to go with that I'd have more fun with). Anyway, before I could say anything he said "I need to call you back on my other line, I have something to tell you about grandma" my heart dropped and my eyes started watering "ok, hurry and call me back". He called me nearly a minute later….
My Grandparents have lived in a town called Visalia for years. We would visit them often and I would actually see them more often than my mom's parents. When I was younger I would stay for them for a week or two during summer. I loved my Grandpa Joe and Grandma Dokey (That's a nickname I have called her since I was little) Beverly is her real name. Grandpa was so loud and outgoing! We would go into a grocery store and he would talk to everyone and it would embarrass the heck out of my grandma! He's Italian so I'm sure you can imagine how loud he would get! Grandpa would always tell all my friends, boyfriends and anyone we came across that "Steph is the boss" i use to say that a lot when I was little to anyone who tried to tell me what to do and grandpa always kept it with me!....I miss him…..I remember being in a Taxi on our way home from our cruise to Alaska. Josh and I had just got engaged and I called Dad to tell him we were on our way back home. That's when he broke the news to me…."your grandpa is really sick Steph, he is not going to make it and he has less than a week to live, he is in a hospital bed at home in the living room, they say he won't make it through next week" I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t move. Josh had already known my dad was going to tell me this but no one had told me because they didn’t want to spoil my trip and engagement. I remember our flight back…I didn’t say a word the whole way home. I sat and stared out the window and the tears did not stop even after we landed. Dad picked us up from the airport and immediately drive us up North so I could say Goodbye to Grandpa….I'll never forget the last days of seeing him. He was so frail and so not himself. He asked me if this was some horrible joke being played on him because he felt just fine and all I could do was hug him and say I wasn’t ready for him to go. We left the next day and he passed away. God took away one of the most important people in my life and I was angry for the longest time because of that. I see Grandpa in my dreams every now and then. I cannot tell you how REAL those dreams feel! I wake up with the most swollen eyes ever because all I'm doing when I see him is hugging him, crying and telling him I thought he was gone forever. Every now and then God allows me to see him in my dreams and I am forever thankful for that….I pray he continues to bless me with grandpa's presence when he knows I'm missing him the most!

Since Grandpa has passed my Grandma has been extremely lonely. They did everything together and nothing without each other. He took care of her and because of that she never really learned to do much by herself. She spends her days at home watching TV, building puzzles and still goes to church every Sunday but she is lonely and sad and she hardly ever eats, she is so frail. From day one I have worried she would die of a broken heart I pray she that she is stronger than that and that somewhere she find happiness again.
Yesterday dad told me how bad things are becoming for her. Now she isn’t remembering much at all..She is giving away her credit card info to anyone that calls and has ordered multiple unnecessary items such as TV guides and magazines she doesn’t even read, her house is a mess, she is so thin now from not eating that she barley has energy to walk, she doesn’t ever leave the house and she is so confused at times that all she does is break down and cry. As he is telling me all this and how the family now has to take over her finances and see about getting her into a senior citizens home tears are rolling down my face. This cannot be happening yet! She is not old enough for this to happen, we need her still, and I love her so much! I hang up the phone with him and call her. She sounds normal to me but she goes on to tell me the same stories she always tells me…how she misses my grandpa and wishes I was there so she could see me more. How all she does are puzzles and sit's around the house bored because grandpa is no longer there with her. I asked her if I could pick her up and bring her to our house for a week just to get away and that I would take her to cowboy country to dance and bingo and she said "I'll have to think about honey I don’t know when I can go". There is nothing to think about, she does not do much….she's just afraid to leave the house. Not to mention she told me bingo is something played in a Senior citizens home and she doesn’t feel that old I said "grandma I play bingo and I'm not old"… I miss her so much!!! I hope she has many more years left with us and I just wish I could pick her up and have her live with us for a while….Please pray that my grandma stay's strong, that she fights with all her might to overcome this sadness in her heart from losing grandpa and that I can get her down to Lakewood to stay with us for a while! Family means the world to me and I will drop anything for the one's I love.

Monday, September 21, 2009

First day of my new work hours......

Today was the first day of my new work schedule and it was actually really nice this morning to relax for once! Josh has Monday's off and never sleeps in on his days off. Instead he gets up with me, helps me with the animals and makes our coffee then takes me to work : ) This morning no alarm was needed! We could sleep as long as we wanted (kinda…sorta) and as always sleeping in means getting up at 7:30am for me! I woke up at 7:30 and leisurely made our coffee, fed the dogs while josh fed Aussie and turned on the TV and got back into bed with Josh right behind me : ) When the coffee was done josh got up and brought both our coffee's in the room and we sat in bed until about 8:30 drinking coffee, talking, watching tv and cuddling with all three dogs. While Laughing at Tinker trying to get out of her cage because she wanted to join all the excitement! We sat down and had breakfast together around 9am and then I got myself ready. It was soooooooooo nice to just take my time and spend even more time with my husband before heading off to work. We left the house around 9;30am and I got to work at about 9:45 and started my day! It's 3pm now and I'm just taking my lunch! Only 2 ½ more hours of work and im off!! I think ill adjust to this just fine : ) Mondays will always be my favorite day of the work week just because of the extra time I get with Josh! Starting tomorrow I will continue to wake up at 6:15am make Josh's lunch, sit down and watch the news and have coffee with him (something I never really got to do in the mornings cause I was always rushing to get out of the house) Then when he leave at 7am I'll be on that treadmill running my 6 miles…I'll be done around 8am and will have plenty of time to get myself ready and enjoy time with the animals before I head out. I can get to work at 9;30am or 10am if I want. It depends if I want that extra half n hour of money or not ; ) But money is not near as valuable as my time with josh and our animals and I will always remind myself of that! I am so thankful for this life of mine, so thankful for my job and so thankful for the patience god has given me during times I feel a bit overwhelmed. Back to work I go!! : ) I'll be back soon as I have another topic I've been dying to get off my chest! xoxo

Saturday, September 19, 2009


I started running about 5 years ago. I have worked out since i was in 10th grade. My dad bought me a gym membership to LA fitness (which was like the most expensive gym around back then) and i loved it because i was pretty much the youngest member there so i was always very focused when I'd go with him or my mom. The people that worked there always called me "the rich girl" when i walked in because of what i wore when i worked out. I look back now and think how the heck did i work out in those dang outfits i wore (you know the velour outfits). Anyway, i stopped going to the gym when i had no one to go with anymore because every time i would go in one of the trainers, managers or random people that worked out there would come up and talk talk to me while i was sweating my butt off! I hate talking when I'm working out and even worse i hate attention being brought to me! Some days i would drive to the gym after work and if i saw the car of someone who would talk to me while i was there, i would turn around and go home. Eventually i just stopped going and asked my dad to cancel my pass and get me a treadmill instead.
5 years now i have had my treadmill!!! i remember when i first got it and Dad said it was ALL mine (i didn't have to share with him, my brother or mom) and i could have it set up in my bedroom, i was so excited!!! The treadmill became therapy to me. I was so unhappy during that time with the relationship i was in and he would work late hours while i was home "waiting" so i would just get on it and run or walk up-hill. I started out only being able to do 2 or 3 miles a night for about a year and then the 2nd year when i was really confused and UN-happy i started running 4 miles, then 5 and then 6! I would run every time i got home from work and i also started running outside and i would sometimes even do 12 miles straight if i were outside. 6 miles burned near 1,000 calories and i became obsessed with making sure i ran that every night! I lost near 15 pounds within that year of running and changed how i ate. I cut out fast food, soda, white breads, i don't eat red meat already as is and i started eating breakfast every 5 years later from when i got my treadmill i have kept those 15 pounds off. Running has stuck with me but i have also learned it is OK to take a day or two off now! Now instead of running because I'm upset i run to get rid of this on-going energy i have!! I'M telling you if i didn't run everyday i would probably drive josh nuts because of how much energy i have everyday! I don't ever relax and to sit down and just watch a movie or something on TV is extremely hard for me! I don't know why i always feel like i have to be doing something, even when we lay down at night i it takes me hours to fall a sleep! Even then i don't sleep but a few hours, my brain is constantly thinking about what i need to get done at work, what the animals need and it also seems to be the time i lay there and just really take in how blessed i am with this life i have with josh. Often before going to bed my stomach get this anxious feeling almost as if I'm too excited to go to bed!...what the heck is wrong with me! Josh thinks it's because i eat too much candy before bed (which could be true) bit you would think m y body would be use to that by now!
Running will be with me for the rest of my life. It's my only sense of relaxation. i don't do it to lose weight, i do it to relax this body that is non-stop on the go!!! Right now I'm doing 6 miles at 45 minutes...........March 21 2010 is the LA Marathon from Dodger Stadium all the way to Santa Monica 26 miles! I really really want to sign up this year and i truly think I'm ready! For starters i need to increase my speed even more and my distance...ill train my body and hopefully motivate myself to sign up FINALLY!!! wish me luck!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Dreams of a long lost friend....

About 2 nights ago i found myself lost in a never ending dream! Normally I don't remember my dreams and if i do they always have something to do with someone chasing me and I am always hiding or running! Weird i know but you should ask Josh about his dreams LOL. ..Ok back to my dream! Everyone knows that Becky and I were best friends for years. I mean we did everything together! When she had both her babies i was there to help her raise them when their dad was being a complete jerk. I watched those girls while she went to school, i would pick them up and take them to do fun things (Sometimes with Becky not even being there because she had to study) I saw them often and I looked forward to it. Becky was the only girlfriend i ever opened up to (aside from my girl Amy who lives in New York now : (....) i could always be me around her and not have a care or worry in the world about what other people thought! To be honest i really didn't care about having other girl friends when she and I were friends because i already had everything that was important to me in my life and having her as that good of a friend was more than enough.
You see, Becky and i were extremely close during the time i was in a very unhealthy relationship. I was not happy with the guy i was with but having her there for me kind of filled in that little void. When Josh and I started dating our friendship started changing. Josh and i have ALWAYS been very close. He was my best guy friend before we were in a relationship and so hanging out with him was like hanging out with any best friend! I'm sure you get where I'm going with this, eventually all my time was spent on Josh and Becky started hanging out with people in whom i really didn't care for. Things happened and we eventually ended our friendship. One night, 6 months later (after a few drinks with josh at the outback) i told Josh how much i missed her and the girls!!! He drove me to her house with 2 big stuffed animals he had just won me at the OC fair and the plan was to drop them off on her porch for the girls with a note. I was not ready to face her... (A lot of hurtful things had been said and done when our friendship ended and i wasn't sure she'd accept my apology). We pull up to her house and she is home, i decide that i might as well face her now since i can't really hide two big stuffed animals without her seeing or hearing me out the window of her room! To shorten this up we hugged, cried, made-up and gave our friendship a 2nd chance. That lasted about 8 months. We had another fall out in regards to my wedding summer of 2008 and have not spoken to each other since that day. It has been over a year now since I've spoke or seen Becky and i am sad to say i miss her terribly...That brings me to my dream! So i keep having this dream about her and the girls. I see them all the time in my dreams and all we are doing is exactly what we always did when we were friends! Hanging out at my dad's house, painting our toes, watching movie marathons and eating hot cheetos, making mai tai's and martini's, taking sill pictures etc....! I'm sure the reason I'm having these dream is because of how much i miss her and i don't talk about her often because josh doesn't think she deserves a friend like me after the whole wedding incident. I have tried contacting her a few times and i get no response. There is not much more i can do other then remind myself that God knows what he is doing and maybe our friendship has ran its course already.....
I look at how extremely happy i am now compared to back then when i was with someone else and her and i were friends. My life is so different now.... I'm 100% happy in all areas of my life and back then i was only 50% happy with my life. I have learned to forgive and love unconditionally all because of josh; he has brought out the best in me! As much as I miss her I also try and look at how busy i am i have time to be the friend i was before? Josh is my best friend now I tell him everything I don’t even know if I would have room for someone else anymore! ...I don't think Becky and I will ever be friends again. Too much time has passed and like i said i have already made an attempt. I do want her to know that i miss her dearly and i hope the best for her and those girls. There isn't a thing i wouldn't do for them still to this day......

Thursday, September 17, 2009

I hate leaving in the mornings....

I hate leaving the house in the mornings. I really really do and I cannot emphasize that enough! Every morning Josh wakes up about 5 minutes before I do. He makes our coffee, feeds the dogs, feeds Aussie, empties out the dishwasher and then gets himself ready. Some mornings he puts gas in my car too (I don’t ever put gas in my car by myself, I know I'm weird) he really helps me out in the mornings and I'm forever thankful for that.
I get up and brush my teeth then proceed to make his lunch and my Kota girl her toast (in which she loves). Josh's lunch is always anything but simple and takes me about 15minutes to put together. I always make him a gourmet like sandwich for lunch, I also make his breakfast so all he has to do it warm it up when he gets to work and I pack him tons of healthy snacks in which I also put a lot of thought into. His snacks are usually 2 hard boiled eggs, a banana with yogurt and a zip lock baggy with granola to add to his yogurt, wheat crackers and cheese I cut up to go with each cracker he eats. Josh comes home all the time and tell me all the guys at his work are jealous at how I always make his lunches so gourmet! I guess when you love someone that much you don’t think about how much love you put into everything you do for them, it just comes natural. I never think I'm making him anything special but he reminds me everyday how much love and time I take to put together that lunch he carries out in his big read lunch box everyday! Anyway back to why I hate leaving the house in the mornings…Josh leaves at 7am and I leave at 7:30am…I'm the last home with our animals and they follow me around the house after he leaves looking extremely sad EVERY morning. I leave the TV on for the all day and open all the windows in the house. I have to put Aussie in her cage when we leave now because she has learned to walk around the house when we are not home. Every time I put Aussie in her cage it breaks my heart. I go to walk out the front door to head to my car and as I'm closing the door behind me saying "bye guys, you be good for me ok" Aussie yells "byeeeeeeeeeeee" and Kota gives me those eyes :( Those eyes replay in the back of my head all morning. She looks so sad when I leave! As I get in my car I can see Aussie from the window, she watches me until I'm completely out of sight and I feel so horrible for leaving her….Some morning's Kota will stand at the window and watch me pull away until I'm at the end of the block..Those mornings really make me want to call in work sick and stay home with them. My 3 other animals are not nearly as emotional as my Kota girl and Aussie….Something about Kota is just so different, she feels everything we feel and I feel her pain too…. Anyone who knows me well enough knows my animals are my world. I treat them and talk to them as if they were children and they are anything but normal animals because of that…Today is one of those days where I wish I was home with them, both Josh and I got home late last night and I didn’t get enough time with them when I got home cause I was so tired. I miss them today, terribly.
I have so much to write about and so little time…..I better get to work now. My new Woman's Devotional Bible should be here any day; I am so excited to get it!!!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Together we will follow the lord...

About 2 months ago i started reading a series of books called Left Behind. A woman i work with had recommended them to me and brought in the first book of the 12 or 13 that are out for me to read. I had the book in a drawer behind my desk for about a month before i decided to pick it up and read it. For those who don't know, these series of books are based on the bible about the end of times, The Rapture.
Josh has a lot of knowledge about the bible and knows a lot about the rapture and the events that take place during the 7 years of tribulation. When we first got together his bible was always in his truck and he would read it often. There were many times he would tell me about the Rapture and the events that take place and i would freak out and tell him i didn't want to hear about it, it was scaring me. I listen and take in everything Josh says so whenever he would talk about the end of the world it would just freak me out because i knew i would believe and research exactly what he told me. My biggest fear is death and i was just not ready to hear about it. .....Point of this being is, i started these books because i felt god reaching out to me through this woman at work....
I have gone to church off and on most of my life. In high school i went to small groups with a bunch of friends and one year i decided to go to church camp. I remember coming home with my friend Amy and we both felt we were ready to change. We had both accepted god in our life and spent a whole weekend just feeling amazingly happy about this choice we were making together because camp had touched us THAT much! I came home all excited to tell my parents about everything i had learned and how i was going to change my life, only to be shot down by both of them. Both of them kind of laughed at me and said "one weekend at church camp is not gonna change your life stephani" i was really hurt. I look up to my dad by all means and to hear him say that immediately made me question what i was believing...I went to school the next day and Amy had given me this really thoughtful, sweet card...The card basically said "i am so proud of you and us for accepting the lord in our lives. I really look up to you Stephani and i know we can do this" (it was much longer then that but you get the idea) I was touched and so thankful to have her walking along side me during such a touching inspirational time. I don't exactly remember how long we kept up with this new blessing of following the lord but i do know that what my parents said always replayed in the back of my mind no matter how much i tried to ignore it. Until the year of 2002. When my parents were going through divorce. Both my parents turned to God and church to try and save their marriage and our family. We all started going to church regularly together and we all got baptized together in front of the whole was such an amazing feeling, i will never forget those times....
Josh and i have both been so busy these last 2 years. Planning a wedding and then getting settled in to our new home as newlyweds for another year..we kind of lost focus on the Lord and both felt his calling at the same time....Im on my 3rd book now and i am so lost in them it leaves me wanting to know more, to get to know the lord more and to want to follow him in every possible way i can....Every time i read a big chunk of my book josh and i have a little bible study on it. I tell him what i read and tells me exactly what the bible says, i tell him what i don't understand and he puts it in better terms for me....without even realizing it, God has pulled us together to him! Every morning on the way to work and home from work Josh and i listen to religious talk on 107.9 and when we get home we talk about all we learned that day.....It's amazing how God is working in both our lives and together as one!
Last night (after a long crazy stressful day at work) Josh and i decided to go to dinner (sushi of course)! I go to open the car door and sticking out of the side of the car door is a little bag that says Christian light house on it....First thought was "what the heck, god is REALLY reaching out to me" then i get in the car and say "Josh, did u see this" he is smiling ear to ear and then i know in it is something from him : ) I open it and in it i find bible tabs and a card that reads:
When I Think of us….
I remember the first days of falling in love-
Staying up late, talking for hours,
Thinking, "Maybe this is the one."
I look back
On our wedding day
And I feel again the joy
Of hearing you say "I DO"
I Look at us now,
And I can see that each year
we're finding out more
about what it means
to make two lives one,
and how to walk with each other
and with the lord-
Even when things are hard.
I still want to grow old
With you by my side,
And know what it means
To share a lifetime of
"Better or worse" with the one
I'll Always Love
I love you with all my heart. II Corinthians 6;11 TLB

In the card josh writes:

Growing with you is so much fun! You make me laugh, smile, cry with happiness and you fill me up with love. Learning and sharing stories with you about God these last few weeks did something to me. I want to grow as a Christian with you and become more Christian like. You have such a kind heart and with a relationship with the lord I know you will touch so many people baby. I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me and how much I love that we are always on the same page together. I wanted to buy you something today but I had to order it. So I will give you your new Woman's Devotional bible when it gets in. I love you baby.

Reading his card and his forever kind words made me want to tear up. God has really blessed me with Josh and there is never a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate every part of who he is. I pray that we continue to follow the lord together and that he continues to bless not just our marriage but everyone who has touched our lives as well….Together we can accomplish anything and together we will follow the Lord the best way we can together as one……

Monday, September 14, 2009

Hello Blog World, Here We Go.....

When Josh and I first got together we would blog to one another all the time. I loved getting to work, turning on my computer and checking to see what Josh wrote to me or about me. It always made for a wonderful start of the day. He has such a way with words and there is not one thought or emotion he holds back. Having as many animals as we do, a house of our own and both having full-time busy jobs we find ourselves not having as much time as we had before to just sit down and write...Instead he leaves me little cute notes all over the house and in my car and those make me smile just as much as his little blog postings..So for each day i find some time I'll blog : ) Some days to him and some days about life in general....Ill get Josh on the blog wagon as well : ) I just adore his writing!! I don't think you will ever meet a guy as open as him about feelings, emotions and honesty! He has made me such a better person because of how open he is with me...I love you baby xoxo so so much!

Josh spent all day yesterday with his friend Charlie recording music in his little studio in the back of our house. Well, ok, not just music but the song he wrote and sang to me on our wedding day. I did not realize how much work and time consuming recording one song is!All day was spent on one song thats so far away from being done still! Josh sings and plays the guitar and I LOVEEEEEEEEEE when he does both...he is so talented. It really makes me happy to see him doing what he loves, MUSIC! I wish i had Mondays off with him, maybe in time....

As for me, work is crazy right now. So many changes here and as most people know i got a promotion in which has left me completely swamped with work! I feel like my life has become work lately and i have always said i would NEVER let that happen....I don't take lunches, i sit at my desk and work my little butt off only to find out that boss man thinks i can handle even more then i was already doing...So as i keep taking on more work i find myself feeling a bit overwhelmed at times....My hours will be changing soon : ( I am not happy about this. My whole life has revolved around a 7:45-3:45 schedule for the last 4 years and now i have to rearrange everything to fit with a 9:30-5:30 schedule...Although it may not be permanent it still makes me sad to know that not only do i have to adjust to this new schedule but so does Josh and our animals....I am sure i sound like a spoiled little brat with what I'm saying about my hours but i have a routine everyday and it's hard to just give that up and start everything differently...Josh keeps telling me to hang in there and that as always, my hard work and dedication will pay off....he is always right...I've always been pretty good about stress, i always take on as much as i can and still manage to smile along the way and stay calm....

Even though work is crazy right now for the both of us i feel we are extremely blessed. Blessed with everything in our lives and with one another. God will only give us as much as he thinks we can handle. I pray the Lord continues to bless us and this wonderful marriage we have....and i pray that we continue to follow the Lord each and every day.....Ok, off to start my crazy day of work.....Have a Wonderful day everyone!