Ahhhhhhhhh Too Much work.....

Look at my desk! It is crazy how much work i have! I feel like it's the never ending work load and today as i was handed more i wanted to cry!
Broke my shoe this morning in the parking lot of work and had to drive all the way back home to get a new pair of shoes! So i didn't even make it to work till near 11:30! Guess what that means?? I will probably be here till 7pm tonight and even staying that late is not gonna get me near caught up on my work. I didn't get to eat lunch till 2pm and by the time i looked at the clock it was 4pm and it was time for me to cover the switchboard (which i do till 5:30) Blah! Please let me get through the rest of this week without going crazy! I just want to be home with my husband!

Why I dont leave the house without Josh...

Not too many people know this about me, it's something I have noticed about myself and that both my Dad and Josh know as well........ I don’t ever leave the house without Josh unless I am going to or from work or tanning on Saturday morning. I know it sounds crazy but it's true. I am scared to death of going out in public alone because EVERY TIME I do I feel I get harassed by someone. I think I'm scared of men that i don't know. I feel like they are just too aggressive and it scares me to the point where I never want to leave the house and be out in public alone. Every now and then I'll stop at the store on my lunch or my way home from work and kid you not EVERY single time I get harassed by some guy (and not to sound like a Brat but I don’t like men talking to me) …It is so uncomfortable when you hate that kind of attention. I HATE attention and that is one thing Josh and I are completely opposite about…He loves attention, he is loud and will goof off in front of anyone. I on the other hand try to avoid attention by all means.I just think it is so ridiculous that I can’t go somewhere without some pervert trying to talk to me and maybe they aren't perverts but I feel much violated when I am approached. A lot of how I feel I'm sure has to do with how in love I am with Josh. I just feel like all men should know better than to try and talk to me. But really, is it normal to feel… ugh how can I put it…scared of the world??? Every time I get enough courage to make a grocery stop or local liquor store stop on my own, my point is proved once again and once again I’m scared to leave the house. Last weekend I stopped at Albertsons after tanning only to have some weirdo that works there try and talk to me and offer to walk me to my car. Every time i do go there alone he talks to me and sometimes even follows me around to make conversation while I'm shopping. But when Josh is there he wont even look at me....That guy is the reason i avoid the store alone! A few nights ago Josh tells me Sean is coming over with some steaks to BBQ. So i said "ok I'm going to stop by the liquor store and pick up stuff to make dirty martinis" i was already sketchy on stopping there alone and Josh knew it and said "if you want, come pick me up and ll go with you" But it was on the way home and i didn't want to bother him with my stupid worries. So i get to the store and immediately without being able to shop on my own someone comes up to me and shows me everything I'm looking for (that was nice of him and i actually didn't feel harassed). That didn't last long. I leave the store and walk up to my car only to have some guy trying to flag me down in the parking lot (ohhhhhhhhhhh here we go) I hurry, close the door, start the car and start backing out...He comes all the way up to my window sticks his phone up to the window asking for my number! how rude!!!! I show him my ring and shake my head at him and he put his phone away and walks away....i proceed to pull away and as I'm getting ready to turn onto the main street another guy is flagging me down! Are you serious?!? Is this a joke? This is why i don't go anywhere alone and why does this happen to me every time! Josh says I'm too nice and i need to be more of a B**** when I'm approached....I just feel like men should have more respect for women. I'm not wearing anything to flaunt myself, i try my hardest not to make eye contact with anyone either so why bug me! I was never like this before, i don't know why I'm so scared of men now...Maybe it's from all the Americas Most Wanted and Cops i watch or maybe it's because I'm so head over heels ln love with my husband i don't want any attention from anyone but him....I just wish i could get over it and not be so scared to go places alone. But the truth is i don't think ill ever get over it! Ill continue to stay home and clean on Saturdays and not move that hummer until josh comes walking through that door and ill continue driving to work and straight home every night and stay home until josh is there to drive me where i need to go....I'm just lucky he doesn't mind and that my fears make him feel like he is my protector by all means.....Maybe just maybe one day ill ummm GROW some BALLS i guess....

Buddy Boy

This morning while running on the treadmill, the dogs were running around chasing one another, Aussie was screaming and all i could think was man i love this life of mine. Last night while BBQing in the back Josh and I were talking about the day we brought Buddy home. Our family was more then enough before him and we did not plan on getting another dog any time near soon! Heck, we had not even brought Aussie home yet, we had another month or so before we could even bring her home when buddy came along. I had a Golden and Lab growing up and always wanted my own when they both passed away. I got Kota (our lab) 4 years ago, she was the first dog i bought and paid for everything all on my own and my dad was nice enough to let me have her at his house being i was still living there at the time. Kota was no cheap dog. I paid a lot for her and she has been my spoiled little girl since the day i brought her home. I remember picking her up and driving her home the day i bought her and on the way she peed all over me! I had to drive all the way home soaking wet!!! Gross! LOL When Josh and i got together i had Sierra, Kota and Tinker already. We bought Aussie after our honeymoon in Australia and could not bring her home for 3 or 4 months! I remember visiting her every Sunday till we could bring her home she was gonna be our first animal together and we could not wait to get her home. Josh knew i wanted a Golden for quiet some time but our house was already so hard to clean everyday it wasn't even an option to get another dog. Josh's best buddy Sean came over one day and was talking about moving into our back room because he didn't have anywhere to stay at the time. I told him if he moved in our back room he could get a dog and keep it back there with him and mentioned he should get a golden so i could have my golden fix : ) He thought it was a great idea so immediately i google Golden's for sale nearby. We find a few places selling them and the stop at the nearest place. We walk in and there are two Golden's left! They were the cutest little things!!!!!!! I picked one up (buddy) and he just went limp he was such a little cuddle bug!! Sean was all excited about getting the puppy and then Josh looked at me and said "i have to you get him, look at you" "sean i think i have to buy her this dog, she has wanted one forever and i cant say no"............I was sooooooo excited, i did not think Josh would say i could get him and i didn't even have to ask him he just knew!!! We paid for everything and drove home. On the way home we decided to name him Buddy because Josh kept petting him saying "hi buddy"so Buddy it was!!!
We pulled up to the house and decided to introduce him to our animal crew in the front yard. Our dogs were not having him at all. As the night went on i noticed Kota and Sierra distancing themselves from us. They wouldn't come outside while we were BBQing, they wouldn't go in any room Buddy was in and at night they wouldn't even sleep in bed with us : ( I didn't sleep that whole night. I was so worried my other 2 dogs were so mad at me. The next morning (Monday) i got ready and Josh took me to work. Before leaving i said by to the dogs and Buddy was hiding under the bed and Kota and Sierra didn't even walk me to the door like they normally do when i leave. I was so hurt that they were hurt! I got to work and cried non-stop for about an hour. I called Josh and said "take that puppy back, kota and poopoo hate me now and this is not fair to them" I was crying like someone just died and pretty soon everyone at work was coming up to me asking what was wrong. I felt like such a baby to say im crying about my dogs! Josh called the place we got buddy from and no one answered or returned our call the whole day. He was seriously gonna take him back for me but no one would pick up his calls. That night i got home and Josh calmed me down a lot. He showed me pictures of what buddy did all day long and even showed me that Kota was playing him....I changed my mind and we decided to keep him.......I look at our life now and cannot see it without Buddy! Buddy was the perfect balance to our house and he makes Sierra feel young again and makes Kota feel important because he looks up to her so much! And he makes Aussie laugh because he is always in trouble and Tinker stay young because he is always chasing her....and he makes Josh and I feel like we have given him the best life a dog can have!!! I don't think Buddy knew what was in store for him the day we picked him up! He did not realize he was about to live a wonderful life full of sooo much love and a life in which he is included in EVERYTHING his parents do....And i don't think i realized how much he would benefit our household : ) Everything happens for a reason and i love my animals soooooooooo much!!!!!

Life.....

Having a baby is something Josh and I have talked about many times. My mind has changed so many times on wanting or not wanting to have kids. I love my time with Josh and I love that we can just take our animals and do whatever we want with nothing holding us back. Right now i cant imagine sharing my time with anyone other then my husband and that's how i know we are not near ready to have kids. Not to mention the thought of my animals being put on the back burner when they have been my kids for the last few years makes me sad to think about!
When we got married and bought our home we decided that 5 years after we got married would be perfect. In 5 years our house payment will have dropped. The hummer will be paid off. The couple credit cards we have will be long paid off and we ourselves will be more stable. We will be near 3o with not much debt outside of owning a home and will by then possibly be able to buy another home in Oregon (next to Dad) to raise a family in and rent this one out. We wont have to work as much and i can be home to raise the little one because i dont want anyone else raising our baby. When we decide to have a baby i want to be able to give he/she everything i can out of life, I want to be 100% ready and i want to start a family somewhere that feels much more safe. That is what we have planned thus far....We have always stuck with our goals and plans so i know we can do it...However Josh brought up something the other night that really got me thinking...
For those of you who are Christian and who follow the lord, go to church and keep up with this crazy world and everything that is taking place then you will know what im talking about....Every pastor we listen to and the more i read and learn the bible and hear about the events taking place in this world right now the more both Josh and i Start realizing the Lord is coming soon....Soon as in maybe Josh and I will never have kids and if we dont then i know its ok because this was God's plan, but at the same time it is kind of scary to think about......And do i really want to bring a child into this crazy dangerous world we are living in right now?? When i think about it the answer is NO, society is so different now, life is different now, morals are different now..everything is changing and from going to church and reading the bible and listening to the pastors on 107.9 this world is only going to get worse. I want to continue to grow with the Lord with Josh leading the way and i pray that everyone in my life gets to know him and gets close with him too...I want to see all my loved one's in heaven and i dont want to see anyone LEFT BEHIND...i dont at all mean to sound like im preaching, but please read about the Rapture if you have time and get close with the lord as no one knows how soon he is coming but we know it is soon enough.....7 years of tribulations is when the biggest events ever will take place on earth...it's still not too late to submit yourself to the lord....and once again im left with the thought of "will josh and i ever have kids"......

A little stressed...

I hate feeling overwhelmed. I have always said that i would take work lightly and never become one of those people who stresses about work or works too much. My time with josh and at home with the animals means more to me then money. Money cant buy the love Josh and I have, nor can it buy the time i cherish we have together. Lately work feels as if it has taken over my life. I work my butt off when im there without much time to spare to talk to anyone or take a lunch. It seems like just when i have my work under control and all caught up i get more responsibility thrown at me. Don't get me wrong, i am very grateful for my job and for the people i work with who help make things easier everyday but i am only one person and i can only do so much. I am learning so much right now with my new job. I Love what i do and i take pride in my work! Yesterday my office manage and I went into Boss man's office to have a talk about how overwhelmed I'm feeling with all that's on my plate only to be told "i don't see why you cant handle it, there should not be a problem" ummm that does not help! He was not even willing to work with me about my work overload until the tears started coming...then he said " don't worry, this work overload is not permanent will get someone to help you out and stop worrying about your work production, your doing a great job and you stop trying to rush learning everything so fast your gonna be here for many more years and you will learn as you go....Sounds nice right? Ya well he was saying everything in what seemed meanly : ( My feelings were just already hurt from what he had said earlier on and the tears just would not stop. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful office manager who supports and helps me as much as she can...she always has my back and always understands how I'm feeling.....Work seems crazy right now but i know it will all settle down over some time. I just need to have patience and realize I'm not the only person who is stressed here right now. As long as work does not interfere with my life at home then i know everything will be ok and i can do this! Last night, after venting to Josh this horrible head ache started and then a migraine...ohhh migraine's i sure don't miss you (ya i use to get them all time)!!!! Thanks for not letting me sleep last night : P Today is and will be a much better day!

BINGO!!!!!!!

I rushed home from work last night to pick Josh up from our house for Bingo. Got home right at 6pm and we needed to be in San Pedro by 6:30. I was starving but knew we wouldn't have time to stop and pick up food so i text Josh with "can you grab me a string cheese, I'm starving" He comes out of the house with two drinks and dinner he made him self! He had made dinner right when he got home from work cause he knew i'd be starving and he wanted to surprise me. Fresh whole wheat bagels with pizza sauce cheese and turkey pepperoni and he even made it spicy (just how i like it)! Man, my husband thinks of me ALL the time and i don't even expect any of the wonderful things he does for me ALL the time. I am so so so incredibly lucky! We ate in the car and had a conversation about how Josh has all the luck and i only have luck when im with him! I told him if he won tonight then i wasn't gonna play anymore i was just gonna watch him play cause he ALWAYS WINS! We made it to bingo exactly on time. We literally sat down when they called the first number and i won the first game within 5 minutes...$100 cash! WTH?? I never win anything and here i was giving josh a hard time about wining last time. Last week i went without Josh because he was working late and i didn't win a thing...I'm telling you i never get lucky unless josh is there with me! A few more games later Josh wins $250! We were all stoked on how much he had won and did not think we would even stand a chance to win again....We buy a few pool tabs and it's $500 if you win....All my numbers were called and i was so excited i said "BINGO" before i was suppose to! haha.....$500 cash all counted out in front of me!!! Holy cow!! I'm telling you, when Josh and I are together we have the most amazing LUCK! Which brings me back to when we bought our house, planned our wedding, got engaged, all our vacation planning and buying our dream car etc...everything has always just fallen in place for us at the right time.......I feel like the Lord is always taking care of us together as one in the best way he can....

Grandpa and Grandpa i miss you...

Last night I called my Dad to ask him if he would go to church with Josh on Sunday since I won't be able to go due to the walk I'm doing with my mother-in-law. Also to ask him if he wanted the extra set of VIP tickets we got to Knott's scary farm (Yes out of everyone and every friend in the world I could have given those tickets to I chose my dad, he is so much fun and there is no one I could think of to go with that I'd have more fun with). Anyway, before I could say anything he said "I need to call you back on my other line, I have something to tell you about grandma" my heart dropped and my eyes started watering "ok, hurry and call me back". He called me nearly a minute later….
My Grandparents have lived in a town called Visalia for years. We would visit them often and I would actually see them more often than my mom's parents. When I was younger I would stay for them for a week or two during summer. I loved my Grandpa Joe and Grandma Dokey (That's a nickname I have called her since I was little) Beverly is her real name. Grandpa was so loud and outgoing! We would go into a grocery store and he would talk to everyone and it would embarrass the heck out of my grandma! He's Italian so I'm sure you can imagine how loud he would get! Grandpa would always tell all my friends, boyfriends and anyone we came across that "Steph is the boss" i use to say that a lot when I was little to anyone who tried to tell me what to do and grandpa always kept it with me!....I miss him…..I remember being in a Taxi on our way home from our cruise to Alaska. Josh and I had just got engaged and I called Dad to tell him we were on our way back home. That's when he broke the news to me…."your grandpa is really sick Steph, he is not going to make it and he has less than a week to live, he is in a hospital bed at home in the living room, they say he won't make it through next week" I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t move. Josh had already known my dad was going to tell me this but no one had told me because they didn’t want to spoil my trip and engagement. I remember our flight back…I didn’t say a word the whole way home. I sat and stared out the window and the tears did not stop even after we landed. Dad picked us up from the airport and immediately drive us up North so I could say Goodbye to Grandpa….I'll never forget the last days of seeing him. He was so frail and so not himself. He asked me if this was some horrible joke being played on him because he felt just fine and all I could do was hug him and say I wasn’t ready for him to go. We left the next day and he passed away. God took away one of the most important people in my life and I was angry for the longest time because of that. I see Grandpa in my dreams every now and then. I cannot tell you how REAL those dreams feel! I wake up with the most swollen eyes ever because all I'm doing when I see him is hugging him, crying and telling him I thought he was gone forever. Every now and then God allows me to see him in my dreams and I am forever thankful for that….I pray he continues to bless me with grandpa's presence when he knows I'm missing him the most!

Since Grandpa has passed my Grandma has been extremely lonely. They did everything together and nothing without each other. He took care of her and because of that she never really learned to do much by herself. She spends her days at home watching TV, building puzzles and still goes to church every Sunday but she is lonely and sad and she hardly ever eats, she is so frail. From day one I have worried she would die of a broken heart I pray she that she is stronger than that and that somewhere she find happiness again.
Yesterday dad told me how bad things are becoming for her. Now she isn’t remembering much at all..She is giving away her credit card info to anyone that calls and has ordered multiple unnecessary items such as TV guides and magazines she doesn’t even read, her house is a mess, she is so thin now from not eating that she barley has energy to walk, she doesn’t ever leave the house and she is so confused at times that all she does is break down and cry. As he is telling me all this and how the family now has to take over her finances and see about getting her into a senior citizens home tears are rolling down my face. This cannot be happening yet! She is not old enough for this to happen, we need her still, and I love her so much! I hang up the phone with him and call her. She sounds normal to me but she goes on to tell me the same stories she always tells me…how she misses my grandpa and wishes I was there so she could see me more. How all she does are puzzles and sit's around the house bored because grandpa is no longer there with her. I asked her if I could pick her up and bring her to our house for a week just to get away and that I would take her to cowboy country to dance and bingo and she said "I'll have to think about honey I don’t know when I can go". There is nothing to think about, she does not do much….she's just afraid to leave the house. Not to mention she told me bingo is something played in a Senior citizens home and she doesn’t feel that old yet..lol I said "grandma I play bingo and I'm not old"… I miss her so much!!! I hope she has many more years left with us and I just wish I could pick her up and have her live with us for a while….Please pray that my grandma stay's strong, that she fights with all her might to overcome this sadness in her heart from losing grandpa and that I can get her down to Lakewood to stay with us for a while! Family means the world to me and I will drop anything for the one's I love.