Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Mother's Day-2010

Mother's Day 2010-The first Mother's Day I did nothing for my Mom. I called, but that was it. A call and nothing more. I got her a card a week before Mother's Day and as always, I had the hardest time finding a card. It's hard to find words to describe how i feel about the Mom she is and especially the Mom she is today. The card is still sitting at home. Mother's day has come and gone and that card still remains in the same spot i placed it in after i bought it. I called her on Mother's Day as Josh and I were heading to the swap meet to pick up a gift for her. I planned on getting her a gift and possibly taking her to breakfast/lunch until she told me she had to work pretty much the whole day. Just like every year on Mother's Day, she had to work. So i told her i would call her after we were done at the swap meet and that we would probably stop by to at least drop off her card and gift. But i lied. We got her a gift, i picked out a nice purse for her that i knew she would love and then driving home i convinced myself that I was not going to go out of my way for her this year as i always do! Why should I after all she's done? Why should I when she volunteers to work on Mother's Day every year! Josh and I went home and i never called her. I've spoken to my Mom once since that day. I'm still a little angry i guess you can say......I promised myself i would forgive her for all she's done because the bible says we need to forgive in order to let go of the pain one had caused us but it's hard to forgive when the other person keeps letting you down. I don't know who or what to blame for who my Mom is today and as much as i would like to blame the drugs, i don't. She has a mind of her own and could have very well walked away a long time ago when she saw how much damage doing drugs did to not only her but her family as well.

Mother's Day 2010-I'm pretty sure it hurts me more to know for once i did nothing for her then it hurts her that she didn't have her kids there to celebrate being a Mother. She only cares about herself, one day I will completely understand that and stop worrying and caring as much as i do.


  1. Stephani, i don't think you should continue harboring hurt feelings for not "forgiving" her.... i learned forgiveness from my last relationship (before Jason).... I learned that forgiving someone didn't mean that you continued to allow them to be a part of your life, but it meant that you let the angry feelings go.... it may hurt her that you aren't close to her, it may not. drugs do some VERY damaging things to people's feelings and even their perception of the world.... she may not even think you are upset with her, but she may. the point is this.... when you forgive someone, you are doing YOURSELF the favor.... you are allowing all the angry feelings go, because you have absolutely NO control over her actions or feelings or words or anything else....

    i DO blame people who use drugs because, i, like you, believe that people can seek help for their addictive personalities.... they can go to rehab.... the people who continue to use, are the ones that continue to be the victim in life. they want everyone to feel sorry for them and all that they have been/gone through.

    she is your mother. she gave birth to you, yes, but there comes a point in your life when you realize that you allow or you don't allow people to treat you a certain way, REGARDLESS of them being blood relatives or not.... if you wouldn't allow anyone else to treat you a certain way, do not allow your mother to cross that boundary either. you are a grown woman, with your own husband and family and home.... you have your own job and your own responsibilities and obligations and i hope you continue to focus on the important things in your life. the good things. the things that bring YOU happiness.... not wear on you and bring you down..... forgiving doesn't mean that you continue to allow someone to use you, it means you allow yourself to be free....

  2. Thanks Ashley. The whole ordeal with my Mom is a hard one. She went from being the perfect Mom (or so I thought), you know the kind of Mom who does everything for her family and with so much love! Then one day (not that long ago) she got tired of it all and just left. She went from a Mom who never did drugs to a Mom who fell deep into drugs. It's hard to accept all that's gone on these past few years and I think that's why I have such a hard time just letting go. I think about it most when i think about Josh and I having kids one day and how she's not going to be someone i trust with our baby and it makes me sad. I think my Mom and Dad raised me well and i would love for our future kids to know that Mom she once was. She's permanently damaged from Meth and just when i think she's doing better again, she fails us once again. All i can do is pray and hope one day she realizes how much of life she truly missed out on.

  3. Darlin, you have handled every situation with mom the best way you possibly could... I know at times it hard for you to understand because of how caring she use to be. Drugs really do change a person, even once they are clean. The hard part is fully accepting the change... because with that person changing, it changes you relationship to them as well. You will always have a love for your mom. That will never go away. even with all she has put you through you still go out of your way to please her and that is the jesus in you. The bible says honor thy mother and thy father, And i look up to you for that. I have such a hard time understanding how my dad just left us and now 16 years later wants to be in my life... I forgave him but have no desire for a relationship...You are such a big hearted stong person to always have a desire to keep your mom in your life...Its not your falt if she feels differently my love.... you know you can always come to me for support when its heavy on your heart... i love you