When your single. It's easy to ID the toxic people in your life-the jobless wonder always crashing on you're couch, the pretty college pal who always hits on guys you like. But once your married, things get a little foggier. You're preoccupied with your new best friend (that would be the person snoring next to you, fyi)and may not notice that other connections have become..kind of strained. Bonds with single friends that used to be so strong can spark weird feelings-jealousy, resentment, annoyance. Friendships with married couples can creep into competitive, even flirtatious territory and become unhealthy for your relationship. It's no one's fault-it's just pure chemical combustion. Put you + them in a room, shake, and release-you've got a toxic combination that gets under your skin and can cause bad feelings to bubble to the surface. So how do you know who might be polluting your life?..
( This was a from a previous blog i had on myspace. I had to bring it back and i also have a bit more input to add);
1)The competitive Couple:
Get some distance. you don't need that kind of energy in your life or friends who cant be happy for you unless their lives are somehow better. Also, console yourself with the knowledge that a couple who feels the need to compete is insecure about their own marriage. Who knows? Maybe the only sex he's having is with himself.
2)The Bickerson Couple:
Do you really want to soak in all that bad couple karma? Hello-if you wanted to watch a couple duke it out, you'd watch some reruns of IN TREATMENT on HBO with a pint of Ben & Jerrys Phish food. But if you cant (or wont) phase them out of your life, don't let their baggage rub off on you. You need to learn the art of changing the subject the next time you're all together. The couple probably has no clue how awful they sound since the bickering has become such a regular pattern for them at home.
3) The Jet Setting Bachelor/Bachelorette:
There's something really comforting about married life,knowing that you and your spouse will be eating together, playing house together, and having sex together for the rest of your lives. Life has changed from lots of glittering question marks to one safe, happy period. It's not bad, it's just so permanent.
Meanwhile, over at the singles table, your friends are busy being unattached, having crazy hookups,and moving to London for 6 months(just because). On one hand, you say to yourself, "Thank god that part of my life is over" but on the other, you cant help getting a pang for their person you used to be-the free agent who didn't know what exciting trip or person was around the corner.
Your friend isn't doing anything wrong, they're just carpe-dieming. It's you who's sucking negative energy from the situation. Change your perspective. You had your own days of swinging single fun(hopefully), but you were lucky enough to find someone to give all that up for.
4) The flirty Spouse:
You'd think that once a person walks down the aisle, they'd leave a lot of their shady behavior behind. Nope, doesn't always work like that. Some marrieds even feel that they can flirt more freely, playing it off like "Huh, what? It was innocent; im married" Funny, but if your at a party and your friends spouse is trying to give you a back rub while slurring in your ear that you're, "soooooo ssssssexy" It certainly doesn't feel that innocent. Although the person you need to feel badly for is your friend who's married to the serial flirt, think about what your partner may be feeling. Even though you have no intention of acting on this person's advances, It's disrespectful to your partner to let it happen in the first place. While you cant exactly tell this person to get the hell off of you, you need to find a way to wiggle free from them.
I always speak my mind. If i do not agree with someone because i think they are doing something wrong i will tell them. I have no problem holding back what i think is right and wrong. Speaking of toxic people for the married couple i had someone i was "friends/acquaintances" with a while back. As i always do, i gave this girl the benefit of the doubt and tried to be "friends' with her. Josh had bad vibes about her from day one and my husband has very good judgement on people but i decided i needed to see that for myself. I hung out with her a few times. In conclusion josh was right about this girl. She was someone who wanted way too much attention from people other then her husband, was insecure about herself (so you always had to hear her pity party), she did not treat her husband right at all (she always made him look so worthless not to mention the things she did when he wasn't around that i heard about from people) she just had an on-going life of complaints. So i stopped talking to her. Josh was right, why would i want someone like that in my life. When we are completely happy why would we wanna surround ourselves with people who are not? This girl was a perfect example of the toxic people that try and make their way into our lives....I got an e-mail from this person not too long ago saying "you do this to friends Stephani, i have heard from countless people that amount of trash you have talked on me"......The funny thing is, i simply weed out the bad people in my life. As Josh always says "you always give people the benefit of the doubt and the minute you see a side of them that is negative or can create a problem you no longer associate your self with those people anymore" and that is so true! That is also why i have a happy marriage. Lastly, i don't talk trash on anyone. I would never say anything to hurt another person because i would never want hurtful things said about me. However i do speak my mind and if i don't agree with you and or your actions and you broadcast issues i dont agree with then I'm gonna let you know......As i have said before, aside from my former best friend...certain people are not in my life anymore for a reason : )
Hey Steph, I remember reading this one on your myspace. It gets me thinking about a lot of people in our lives. I also categorize friends into two groups; anchors and sails. Anchors are negative people that bring you down (just like an anchor) they don’t have a positive or happy bone in their body. The people that seem like their world is always hell or ALWAYS have the case of the “poor me’s”. People that are anchors we keep at a far distance and it’s a team decision (Matt and I) if we even associate ourselves with them. Sails are our best friends; they keep our “boat” moving during tough time. Whatever their martial/dating status is it doesn’t matter to us. It’s really just a few questions we ask ourselves; if I were to die if would we’d trust that friend to be trustworthy and supportive now that one of us is “single”, we also ask if we trust that friend with Heidi, would they be a good influence and a good “uncle/aunt” to her. Just a few simple questions weeds out the toxic people.
ReplyDeleteGood post Steph, I like it. We all need to stay alert and on our guard which reminds me of the book of Ephesians “protect yourself with the armor of the Lord!"
Thanks jenni! I love this post too! It really makes you think about the people in your life..I know i weed people out very easily but i ALWAYS have good reason. ALWAYS. I have such an open heart and mind to anyone but the minute something does not feel right or my husband does not feel comfortable with that person then ADIOS : ) You and Matt are perfect for one another. You guys clearly see eye to eye on everything and i love that! "protect yourself with the armor of the lord" LOVE IT and it's true. When following the lord everything becomes so much more clear.
ReplyDeletei read this earlier on my phone, but for whatever reason, i can't leave messages from my phone so i had to wait until i was home and on the computer....
ReplyDeletei agree very much with this post also. (and jenni, i love your saying or analogy also!!!!)
i think i've been so negative since being pregnant and i've complained so much. i feel like i've been an "anchor" lately to many people.... many people have said i've been the complete opposite and have opened their eyes to so many things.... i just don't know. i feel like i've pulled back so much from everything because of how "unhappy" i've been. well it's like a rollercoaster. i don't know if it's the postpartum hormones, or what, but it would go up and it would come down and i would laugh and then i'd cry.... i feel like i haven't been able to be the kind of partner, friend, mother, daughter, sister, anything i normally am.
for that i apologize to everyone....
on a way more optimistic note, i love so much about this.... it is true. when you guys become a team, it isn't about just ONE anymore... it's about the both of you and what's good for the BOTH of you.... having someone entirely negative, complaining, being an "anchor," being jealous, being flirty, crossing boundaries, being overly insecure, yeah all of that is no good.... especially when you are married, because they do envy that.
in regards to that email that you received, i'd received something from someone that really had me take a step back and think to myself "some people really never cease to amaze me." i mean REALLY.... people have nerve, and i wondered what they were doing, and thinking at that very moment to have thought that what they were about to do was a good idea.... does that make any sense? just mindblowing.... and it comes back to the same things.... just not feeling good about themselves and where there are and the decisions they've made up to this point.... keep your head up. you guys are doing great (and i agree with Steph, Jenni and Matt, you guys truly are a magnificent couple.... a perfect offset of one another!)
let go of the deadweights (not me, i'm not normally a deadweight).... =)
Ashley I dont see you being negative ever! I see the positive, good hearted person you are and i hardley know you. That should say a lot : ) You have a lot going on right now, your stressed and you have a new baby in the house....After some time things will settle..Stay positive and strong and try to find the good in everything you do even if you feel you cant at times...Oh and Patience, patience goes a long way! I have learned so much with the patience i have gained from being with Josh....I have no doubt in my mind you will be back to what feels like your old self in no time!
ReplyDeleteAs far as that dumb e-mail goes sent from that "person" all i could really do is laugh it off. She is not someone i look up to, not someone i would ask for advice, not someone who has a good heart (although she likes to think she has a good heart) she is just a self centered person who has so much to learn about life. She thinks just because she has been married for longer then 3 years, she knows everything about being in love and about marriage. The problem is, she doesnt have a happy marriage and she does not know how to love properly..So why in the heck would i want anything to do with such a person! I may have a big heart and i may allow the unknown in easily but the SECOND i feel like your a problem ADIOS! That does not mean i am a bad person, it means im faithful to the Lord in who i allow in my life and i am also very ALERT in whats good or bad for my marriage. : ) Thanks for writing Ashley!
Ash, shut up, you're not my anchor or anyone else's! You're friendship got me out of A LOT of bad relationships and through some heart breaks. You were my backbone through so much and often fought my battles for me because I was too timid. You are in so many ways my sail! I admire the amazing job you have done with Tiki. How you survived as a single parent and did not give up on love and finding your husband.
ReplyDeleteThank you both for the nice things you have to say about Matt and I. I got very lucky with Matt, he was a mama's boy that didn't get a chance to be corrupted by any crazy ex-girlfriends! I came to him with a bag full of games and drama, he quickly called my bluff and shook all of that out of me. We’ve grown and matured together over the years and managed to keep our close friends that have meant the most to us. All three of us were friends with our husbands for years before dating and marriage, perhaps that’s the key! Who knows but I do know it’s what worked in my situation and has made us a successful couple.
AMEN Jenni! : )
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I too remember reading it on myspace. I cannot tell you how much I have dealt with this in my 26 years of life, but I have matured and have promised myself that I will not allow TOXIC people in my life. I'm trying to get Jason to see this side and he's slowly understanding it, but then he resorts to I feel bad for them. Well call me cut throat, call me a BIT** but I do not have time for people who are negative and have no substance. It's a waste of time.
ReplyDeleteSteph, you know what I experienced last year and you have always been that positive person who I consider a good friend (even though we don't hang out).
I do remember what you went through last year and though i had just met you at the time, i was not cool with what those people were saying about you everytime i would go in and get my hair done. To be honest that is when i learned how out of control their crap talking and gossiping really was and also when i made the choice to remove myself from that salon...There is nothing worse then friends who carry negative energy and who worry so much about other people's lives when they should be worrying about their own..You are a wonderful person inside and out and im glad i learned that for myself : ) Xoxox I love that i can always talk to you and we see eye to eye on many of the same things!
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